


Malignancy

by Angelike



Category: Tokyo Babylon, X/1999
Genre: Angst, Flash Fiction, M/M, Mourning, POV Third Person, Post-Tokyo Babylon, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-26
Updated: 2005-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-02 13:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelike/pseuds/Angelike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forgiving others comes naturally to Subaru. Forgiving himself is not so easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Malignancy

He still wakes with a name upon his lips and love within his heart. He still opens his eyes half-expecting to see a dearly beloved face peering back at him—perhaps that of one nearly a reflection of himself, but for the impish grin and care-free gaze, or maybe that of an older, more mysterious figure, with a smile no less engaging nor less precious in spite of the fact that it's possessor had only just fallen into the young onmyoji's life not more than a year ago. He still experiences a twinge of disappointment upon realizing that neither of his two loves are present—and then he remembers why.

** _"Gone," he whispers to no one at all. "They're both gone."_ **

And he hates himself for it.

** _...all my fault..._ **

The guilt eats away at him from the inside out, and when he looks into the mirror, he wonders why no one else can see what a pale shadow of a man he has become. Haunted eyes of the deepest emerald green gaze back at him, haunted with unvoiced sorrow, a silent question echoing from within their depths: "Is this pathetic creature what your beautiful and vibrant sister sacrificed her life for?"

** _...should have been me..._ **

Hokuto-chan had always been the one who had truly cherished life. She had been the stubborn ray of light which somehow always managed to filter through the clouds on even the darkest of days. She had banished the rain with her golden radiance, and reminded him that even the most terrible of times would eventually pass into memory. Nothing had ever kept her down for long. No matter how bleak and dismal the circumstances, she had always persevered in the face of adversity, driving ever-forward with steadfast determination and the firm belief that happiness was just around the corner. Sometimes he had envied her child-like optimism, but even then he had realized that it was her fortitude and unwavering faith in him that kept him going forward.

But now she is gone.

Lost in the eternal embrace of the cherry blossoms.

Dead to all those who had loved her then and love her still.

** _...Her love for me killed her..._ **

What keeps him driving forward now? His hand trembles as it raises to cover his right eye, and he imagines that someone else's face is looking back at him, mocking him with a deceptively friendly smile. The name of this man still lingers on his tongue.

** _...Seishiro-san..._ **

The weight of the betrayal rests heavily in his mind.

** _...I loved you..._ **

Why hadn't he recognized the danger sooner?

If only he hadn't been such a blind fool, then none of this would have happened. If he had seen _that man_ for what he really was sooner, then maybe Hokuto would have never had to offer her life to the devil. Maybe he could have...

Maybe...

** _...Maybe I could have convinced you to love me for real..._ **

A tear trickles down his cheek unnoticed.

** _...That's what you had wanted all along, wasn't it?..._ **

Yes, still wakes up with a name upon his lips.

** _...Forgive me, Seishiro-san, Hokuto-chan..._ **

And he still hates himself for it.

** _...I failed you both..._ **

Because he should have been the one that died.


End file.
